To be? Or not to be?
by DarkLove9
Summary: Tessa on her wedding day to Jem. Though she is rethinking about what she really wants to do. Based on what happened last night with Will.(wiggle eyebrows sugestivly Warning: this is for Team Will. (Sorry Jem) pleaaaaase read. :'(
1. Chapter 1

Tessa could still not believe she was going through this. Marrying Jem . Yet here she a carriage riding to a church Jem picked out. She loved him she really did. But she still didn't know if this was what she wanted. It was all Will's fault. Making her doubt whether she _really_ wanted to marry Jem . As the carriage hit a bump she remembered the night previous. Morning had made her a little bitter with Will. Though she still loved him just like she promised. She always closed her eyes.

She had been reading in the music room. A Tale of Two Cities _staring up at her yet she could not force her eyes to focus on the page. This was rather unusual . She always was interested no matter how many times she read it. Tessa scolded herself._ Face it she thought your thinking about Will. _She was of course , but these days she was always thinking about Will. He had insisted on spending his entire day in his bedroom. No one knew why. No one but Tessa. He had made her think _What if Jem had decided to wait to tell me that day. And Will didn't ? Would she be on her way to marry someone else? _But Tessa knew there was nothing she could do to change that . That's when she heard the door creak open. _" Tessa? Are you in here?" _She had been expecting Jem._

" Will?" _Tessa had asked hesitantly._ "What are you doing in here?" _He looked as if he had been crying all day he also had a rather large gash on his arm. He was wearing his gear. Though it was bloody and torn to shreds. Before he could reply she dropped her book and rushed over . _" Oh, Will, are you all right? Why are you all bloody? Shouldn't you be in the infirmary?" _She had said in a rushed worried tone. _

" Do calm down Tessa. I'll live. Jem told me you would be in here." _He had begun to stroll to the other side of the room where she had dropped_ _A Tale of Two Cities_. _She attempted to rush over. Her attempts where however useless . The room was rather dark so she had trouble trying not to run into things. _" Really Tess, _A Tale of Two Cities_ _**again**_? You'd think it would have lost some interest with how many times you've read in the past week. "

_He is trying for a light tone she could see it in the tension of his body, and his words._ This must have been causing him so much pain . Me going through with marrying Jem ._ She had thought after all those months maybe he had stopped loving her. She had hoped. Because she couldn't bear the thought of Will being alone for the remainder of his life. Before she could think it through she said_

" Yes ,Will .And how many times have you read it ? Hmm?" _She had said it in a conversational tone , but shot him a look that was challenging and he sighed._

" I suppose you have a do you really never get tired of the same book?" _He finally tore his gaze from the book to her. He raised his eyebrows about a centimeter ._

" I guess not. Some books just constantly need to be taken into a new perspective." _She said his quite evenly and was rather proud of herself. For her thoughts had been itching to ask many other questions. Such as ..._What was Will doing in here? Where was Jem? Had someone told Jem? If so who found out ? What were they going to do about it? Was Will going to tell her something important ? What would have happened that fateful day months ago ,if she had declined Jem's question of whether he could come into her bedroom? If Will had still proclaimed his love for her?

" Tess, I haven't found anyone else if that's what your staring of into space about. I do want to talk to you about something though. Since you are marrying him tomorrow... Just don't lie to him. Always tell him what your feeling. Know one ever knows what's going on inside your head. So you really just aught to let him know. " _He turned his gaze towards Tessa again . And in that moment rather irrationally she wanted to tell Will that she was in love with him._

" Does this rule also apply to you, Will? If so you will most likely regret it for a long time. But if you do I swear on my Aunt Harriet's grave I won't lie to you." _She stared right into Will's eyes when she said this. His blue night sky eyes she had dreamed in for so wanted to tell she really ,really loved him. She wanted him to know . And for the sake of her sanity she wanted Jem to know no matter how much it hurt to do so. Slowly he replied. _

" Yes I'd like to know for once." _She could almost hear herself sigh with relief. _

" Thank God. I was worried you were going to say no. I am going to regret this later and you probably are too. But I have to tell you . I will probably else wise go insane. " _She finished her walk across the room and took Will's large hands into her own smaller ones. He did not bother to mask his surprise . _

" Tessa, what are you-" _She quickly cut of his words. _

" Please just let me finish before you say anything. Will ..." _This was her moment to turn back. Before she said anything she regretted . She plowed forwards anyway._ " Will I love you. William I should have told you that day. I really should have . I can't even believe I'm telling you now. But I have loved you and I'm sorry. Since the moment you had walked out of the drawing room all I have wanted was to comfort you. Make you smile again . I wanted you to be happy! I had always hoped that you found someone else to make you happy since I could not. But you never did stop loving me . Because I could see it in the pain in your eyes every morning that you forced yourself to go to meals. So everything would appear to be fine. But it wasn't and it was my fault. I love you. I love you . I love you. I'm so sorry William . " _by the time she had finished her head was on Will's chest and she was sobbing. They had dropped to the ground , leaning against the wall. Will had scooped her up and was holding her close to his heart. They stayed like that for a few minutes. All they could here was their heartbeats and the clockwork angel marking the seconds that had gone Will broke the silence . _

" Tess, it's alright I forgive you . But, what are you are you going to do about it now? Are you going to tell Jem? Or are you still going to marry him tomorrow ? Do you still love him?" _He said it quietly. Still trying to sound distant. But Tessa didn't care. She waited for a few minutes_. " What are you going to do Tess ?"

" I love it when you call me Tess , no one else does." _She had thought this but she had also said it aloud. _

" You know it would break his heart if you couldn't marry him tomorrow ." Will said " I know but , just don't know what to do Will. Because I love you. But I also love Jem. I don't want to leave him because then he would be alone for the rest of his life. Now that he's cured he would have a whole life to live alone still loving me. But then so would you. And I don't wish that on anyone." _Will had begun to stroke her hair. She hadn't realized it had come out of it's pins ._

" Would you like to hear what I think?" Will said gently. Tessa gave a silent nod into his gear. " I think you should wait till morning to figure this whole mess out. You will most likely be more capable of thinking rational thoughts in the morning after a good nights sleep."_ She nodded again into him. _

" Will, will walk me to my room?" _She whispered . He then said _

" I have a better idea." _She looked into his eyes with concern_. " Not that. Do you honestly not trust me to be a gentleman?" She raised her eyebrow . " Touché ." _Remembering their first kiss. He then proceeded to stand up with her in his arms. As he closed the music room doors Tessa looked up at Will's face. He looked calm, but also quite smug. He had a small grin on his face._ " I can't help it . It's all a little satisfying. Knowing you loved me aaaall along."

" WILL!" Will turned around . It was Jem . "Who are you- Why are you carrying Tessa ? At four in the morning? You were supposed to be in the infirmary! Now you've gotten blood all over her! Is she all right?" _Tessa had closed her eyes during the entire transaction. _

" She's fine, I found her asleep in the music room with A Tale of Two Cities I didn't want to wake her up. So I figured I would take her up to her own bed so she could get a decent nights sleep before her wedding. Shouldn't you be asleep right now?" Will lied smoothly.

" I , ah , well I guess your right. I was just going to - well I had better go to bed now ." _He turned around to his bedroom door and closed it quietly._

"**He** sounds **highly** suspicious . Don't you think? But you had better go to sleep and think about it in the morning. I would talk to Jem before you decide. I love you Tessa." _He says as he sets Tessa gently down onto her bed. He quietly pulls up her covers and plants a kiss on her forehead. _

" Just remember no matter what you decide I 'll still love you." _Tessa whispers to him. He walks out the door without saying a word. _

**Sorry if that was a bit confusing . This is my first fanfic and I'm a little nervous. So if you read this don't you dare move on without hitting that little review button. Jus tell me exactly what you thought. Good or bad . Because if its horrible I promise this will be my last story and will go back to writing I love you's in my reviews. So there. And yes I case your wondering I probably should be in a crazy home. **

**Adios , nos vemos, con mucho amor de buenas noches, DarkLove9**


	2. Chapter 2

The night before had seemed like it had happened years ago. And yet at the sametime she could remember it all perfectly. The carriage hit yet another bump in the roadand Tessa came out of her trance. She sighed. Oh, what to do ? What to do? She  
thought to had yet to decide what she was going to tell Jem if anything .  
Why is this so hard? She thought again. Finally the carriage neared the church.

It was a good distance from London. She was still surprised she had chosen tohave a wedding in the countryside. Despite her self London had started to feel crampedand suffocating . But the English countryside's rolling green hills seemed opening andinviting. In a small cluster of trees Tessa finally spied the church. It was just as beautifulas it had been the first time she had taken the long carriage ride to see the place shewas going to be married. The church was made of a light gray stone brick. On the eastend there was a moderate sized tower. On the west end there was a very large stainedglass window. The pictures looked similar to some of the ones she had seen in theCodex . There was an angel rising out of a lake in one of the main pictures. But Jem  
had told her that it wasn't Raziel. But there was an uncanny resemblance . Of this  
Tessa had been sure. The entire building was covered in ivy and it looked rather a lot as  
if it had come out of a fairy tale . Like the ones Aunt Harriet had told her when she hadbeen a small girl.

The thought had made her a little sad . But now it made her glad like a little piece ofAunt Harriet had been waiting there for her. Tessa then glanced around the carriage andremembered that she was not alone. Cecily was looking at her with both a worried andcurious look . She then asked  
" Are you quite alright ? You look a little pale..." Her voice faded as she finished her  
shrugged  
" You are probably right . I am feeling a little queasy. I wonder if it was that mushroom  
stew we had for lunch... " her voice too drifted off as she went back to her thoughts.  
That mushroom stew had in fact not agreed with her but that was not why she was paleand clammy . She knew she would not be able to handle anyone being alone for therest of their lives. And Jem would have a whole life to live . Since they had defeatedMortmain two years ago Tessa had spent nearly all the time she could spare looking for  
a cure for Jem's illness. Six months ago she had found the jackpot. The powder wouldbe able to cure Jem was almost within their grasp but it had been in the southern tip ofIndia.

She had been so relieved when all three boys had come home triumphant . Jem  
and her had finally been able to do things the proper way. While Tessa had slowly butsurely planned her wedding , Will had spent most of his time out. Whether it was  
chasing down demons, or pretty girls,(any girls really as long as they were under  
twenty-five) Will had always filled his hours enough so that he didn't ever have to talk to  
too many remembered when one night-  
" Tessa, your doing it again. Don't zone out on us so much dearest. We had all thoughtyou were never coming out." Cecily teased her.

" Don't tease Cecy. It isn't nice. " Tessa knew she was provoking her. ( She hated beingcalled Cecy.) Only Will ever seemed to get away with it. She grinned evilly as she hadsaid it and Cecily had decided to interpret it as a invitation for war. She had opened her  
mouth to say something when Charlotte cut her off.

"Are we all going to get out? Or are you two just going to sit on here throwing witty  
comebacks at each other until you run out of things to say. If its the latter we will all bein here for a long while and I would rather like to stretch my legs." Charlotte told them.

"That wasn't even that witty Charlotte. We were just getting started . Weren't we  
Tessa ?" Cecily said and winked at her.

As they all ( Charlotte, Cecily, Sophie ) stepped out of the carriage Tessa was  
temporarily blinded by the bright day. For once it was not cold or rainy . It was clear as  
any summer day in New York would be. There were only a few wispy clouds in the sky.  
Tessa was relieved when her vision finally returned.  
"Tessa, you are to go to go into the bedroom in the east wing. I'll be readying you inthere. " Sophie said to her. "You are not to leave that room until my say-so. Do youunderstand Tessa ?" She looked incredibly stern. Which was different for Sophie.  
" I suppose. Where would I go Sophie?"  
" You always find somewhere miss." Sophie told her.  
The bedroom was surprisingly bright. There was a bay window overlooking a smallpond in the back of the church and beyond that the forest. The furniture was all stainedto look like cherry wood but it had faded. Probably with years and use. She searchedthe sky blue walls for a book shelf. There were none. She had not brought a book withher. There was only a bible on the nearby desk. She would not be reading the bible .  
And so as Sophie predicted Tessa found a place to go.

As Tessa walked down the hall she wondered what on earth everyone was doing.  
There seemed to be a shouting match between the baker and Charlotte. Tessa quickly  
chose the door to her immediate right. What she saw she did not expect to see.  
It was what she had been looking for . A library. But she did not expect to see theperson in it. Which was honestly rather foolish of her . Who would not expect to see Willin a library?  
" Jem, Jem is that you?" Why did he have to say it like that? It was practically the samewords Jem had said when they met. Tessa fumbled for the door handle. Jem looked up

-Will , Will looked up.

" Oh, it's you."

"I suppose so."

"So your not a hundred percent certain its you. You only suppose that it is in fact you?"

"Yes , Will imagine me ever having indecision on whether I am really me . That would  
make no sense whatsoever ." Tessa replied 's face turned serious.

"Are you still worried about that Tessa?" He was worried . It was written all over his face.  
What a welcome change.

"No ,I know who I am. Now matter what anyone tells me. I am Theresa Gray ." A  
drumming sound pounded in her head. It was her heart. She willed her feet to move her  
closer to Will.

" Tessa, what on earth are you-" Will stopped arguing. Tessa had quickly moved her  
mouth to Will's. They were kissing. She had wanted this for so long. The drummingnoise was still hammering its beat. Will was trying to be gentle. Tessa slowly moved her  
hands up Will's body. She felt the iron like muscles of his arms. The smooth curve of his  
neck. Until she reached his hair that smelled faintly of sulfur like he tried to bathe but thesmell of demons still lingered on him. She tilted her head to deepen the kiss when Willpulled away from her , quite suddenly Tessa might add. She looked up surprised . Will's  
eyes were steady.

" Tessa , no. Not until you break things off with Jem. And don't give me that look Tessa ."

" Since when have you been ethical? And what look? I don't have a look." Tessa said  
darkly.

" Tessa dearest, you have a look for everything . You just gave me a look that could beused for a dog who just betrayed you and went to your childhood friend instead of you.  
As for you first question I do believe it was last May. " Will's face was deadly serious buthis eyes were smiling. They were standing at arms length now. " Tessa, you need togo." He was giving her a small forced smile. " I need you to go Tessa I need to think."

" I am not leaving without what I came here for."

" And what's that ?" He was really smiling now. Not unlike the one he had given her theday in the drawing room.

" A piece of literature at least four-hundred pages long." Tessa was smiling now." Youhave anything left for me?" Will looked deep in her eyes for a moment then turned to theshelves.  
" Do you want something you haven't read yet?" He said this without turning back.

" At this point I'd read just about anything Will. Anything but the bible." Tessa said tired  
tone.

"What's wrong with the bible?" He asked in a curious tone.

"What's wrong with ultimatums?" She replied hotly .

" I see..." He was still looking around the shelves. Finally he came across a small novel.

"Well, it's not four-hundred pages but it is Shakespeare. " He handed her the book.

" Two Gentlemen of Verona ? Will, that's just cruel and ironic."

" You asked for a book." He was grinning smugly now.

"Will it's unfair." Tessa was smiling now too. Just a little. " That's it I'm leaving." Shewalked deliberately slowly out through the library. Her smile was gone.

"Miss! Miss Tessa!" Sophie was calling her.

" Over here Sophie , I just stepped out to get a book." Sophie turned towards her.

" Well, there is no time for that now miss. It's time to get you into your dress." Apparently  
her horror showed on her face. " Miss Tessa are you quite sure your feeling well? Youwent as white as a sheet all of a sudden. Why don't we get you back to your room?" Thewalk down the hall was absolute torture. It seemed like it took Sophie hours to drag her  
down the hall. Tessa decided to take the time to study the wallpaper . It was a pearly  
white with little cherubs all over it . Peeling up a little at the corners. The paneling was alight ,tough oak. When they finally reached the room Tessa felt like throwing up. Shetold this to Sophie who quickly went to fetch her a waste basket. Tessa threw up for agood,solid five minutes and Sophie held her hair back for her. God, she loved Sophie .

" Thank you Sophie. Aaahhhh, I feel horrible. What time is it ?"

" About two o'clock miss." Sophie told her, a look of curiosity plainly on her face .  
Wondering what time would have to do with the problem of a nauseous bride. Time was  
everything .

" Do you think we could post pone me getting into my dress? I fear it may not be wise.  
With my nausea ." She just needed time to think. Playing for time . Why must the worldrevolve around time and there never be enough of it? The world was unfair that was  
certain. But why?

" I can give you an hour at best but no more that that." Sophie told hour to decideher love life. Oh, what fun I have on the weekends! Tessa thought to herself.

" Would you mind leaving me ? I need to think." It was not a question. Sophie leftquietly. Tessa laid down on the bed. This was a disaster. Plain and simple. She had saidshe had needed to think but was there to think about? Everything had crossed her mind

all ready. So what was there to think about ? Was it a question of who she loved more?  
Or who loved her more? But how has she supposed to find said enlightenment in onehour. But maybe one hour was better than none? Was it better to make split seconddecisions? Tessa's mind was going faster than anyone could have thought.( A/N: I never  
thought I would do this but , ya know. Pro/con lists are might as well havemade one! Hehehheehehe ) But , the essential question was Will or Jem? She thoughttime would have sorted this out . Or her heart. But she had no time. And her heart was  
not something to count in times like this . It yearned for both. While Will was all fire andpassion. Jem was as quiet,soft and gentle as the first snows off winter. She also felt thatit was her duty to marry Jem. All the books she had ever read we're split half way as  
well. Some were screaming Screw duty! It takes you nowhere ! Go for passion! The  
other half was saying in a calm demeanor Passion only leads to regret. Duty is  
honorable and reliable. She loved them both. Her fire and ice. Yet which would she  
succumb to?

(Will's pov! Yay for Will!)

She had decided then. She had chosen Jem. Will had thought her decision would notdestroy him. But he may as well have been thrown in a fire. It was a struggle. To standthere without his grief on his face. He smiled. He was supposed to be happy for his  
parabatai. Jem was next to him beaming . He would be with Tessa. He had every rightto be happy. Damn him. Will turned his attention towards Tessa. She was beautiful. Shelooked beautiful too in her golden dress. It had a silky look to it and was flowy-like at thebottom. Will did not particularly care about the dress. She was almost to he altar. Willwished that he was the one waiting to exchange runes with her . And vows . Tessa hadinsisted on having a Christian ceremony as well as a Shadowhunter one. He loved her  
and her stubbornness .

He caught her gaze now. She had ,had a look of joy on her face. Like a bride should .  
But she had put it there. She looked into his eyes. Her eyes were full of sadness. Andclung to him in a desperate hope. But then her eyes turned to Jem . This look was full ofsorrow as well . Even if Jem did not see it. Then Tessa did best and surprised them allcompletely . She turned away from both of them. And ran out of the church.

Sorry bout the long wait guys but school really messed me up. But like stuff. AndI am glad y'all liked the first chapter and don't hate the second and all that great  
stuff. I will put forth great effort to update more often but I don't know how manymore chapters this story will need. So tata for now.

-DarkLove9


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys this is a disclaimer for _all _my chapters I always forget. Well I have some bad news that is bound to disappoint you all. Since I have read Clockwork Princess (in less than 6 hours) I cannot continue this story . That book gave me all my hopes and dreams but all my nightmares as well. So there you have it I might be able to pick it up later but not now. And it will be a while.

DarkLove9


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